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[娱乐杂谈] 所有感情,最后考验的都是人性中最忠厚善良的部分

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发表于 2016-11-23 16:16:17 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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引用: 一言不合就出轨、离婚、家暴……在这个“每对夫妻都有100次想要掐死对方的念头”的世界里,感情考验的是真心?是责任?在所有道德和契约的拘束之外,我们都轻视了人性中最纯良、柔软和忠厚的部分
——如果在诱惑和厌烦的当口,你还能记得内心深处TA的一点点好,还记得这个女人也曾日夜守候你的赛场征途……

我的师姐嘉木,曾写过一篇关于感情的文章,里面说“所有感情,最后考验的是人性中最忠厚善良的部分”,看完心有戚戚,于是也想就此题目写写。
那种书里曾写的互相扶持、彼此理解、灵魂相依、倾心一生一世的婚姻,在现实中我是从来不曾亲眼目睹、亲耳听过的。当然间接还是知道一两例,比如杨绛钱钟书算一对;赖声川和丁乃竺算另一对。
现实中遭遇和听说的,大部分还是“每对夫妻都有100次想要掐死对方的念头”,此乃世俗婚姻的常态。

我们这一代人,一旦成年后,难免会回头品评上一代人的婚姻。
看过一份网络问卷调查,里面说参与了调查的大部分年轻人,在评价自己成长环境时,半数以上认为自己父母其实 “缺乏共同语言”、“价值观有差异”、“不会好好说话”以及“总在争吵”。
最后居然超过60%人的认为自己父母过的是“将就的婚姻”。
既然看不到原始数据来源,也就无从探知这份调查结果的可信度。一方面,老一辈婚姻在贯穿几十年的家庭生活中,往往展露出琐碎、庸俗、争执不断、横眉立目的一面;而另一方面,这种受诟病的婚姻组合之下却往往有着不可思议的稳固根基。
长久以来,我们一直认为这个稳固根基是所谓的“约束”,比如道德的约束、社会环境的约束、人际关系的约束。
但或许我们轻视了约束之外,人性中最纯良、柔软和忠厚的一面。

我有一个朋友,她父母是截然不同的两种人:
父亲是大学本科出身的知识分子,搞设计的,母亲则只有小学文化程度。父亲知书达理,母亲则庸俗絮叨。母亲还有一个令人头疼的娘家,下面十个弟弟妹妹,成天闹幺蛾子——今天这个要闹离婚,明天那个要分房产,再后天最小的又中风住院了,求照顾。一年四季没有消停时候。
朋友母亲由于是大姐,一直是一家之主。嘴上对弟妹们杀伐决断,一旦家里有事,立马第一个到场,出钱出力,甚至拉上自己老公和女儿去帮忙。朋友不堪其扰,认为这种亲情已经明显超越了现代家庭的范畴、甚至触犯到了自己家庭的利益。
尽管她的父亲也认同她,可每当和母亲吵到不可开交时,父亲却又会替母亲讲话、打圆场,生怕母亲太生气。
朋友不止一次和爸爸抱怨:“您怎么反而向着我妈呀?”

结果她爸只是曲线救国地回答道:
“以前没结婚时,你妈是本地人,出身好,心眼儿也好;我就一个穷人,身体还差。每天她干一整天活,分两个馒头,自己舍不得,只吃半个,剩下的揣出来给我吃,怕我饿肚子。现在她整这些,还是因为心眼儿好,别让她太生气。”
要说匮乏时期的馒头滋养了最初的感情,令人信服。
但要说仅仅靠这每天一个半馒头维系的几十年,外人眼里并不般配的婚姻,就略显牵强了。
翻译家傅雷曾说过的一段话或许可以为此做个注脚:
“对终身伴侣的要求,正如对人生一切的要求一样不能太苛。因为凡事总有正反两面:追你太迫切了,你觉得负担重;追得不紧了,又觉得不够热烈。温柔的人有时会显得懦弱,刚强了又近于专制; 幻想多了不切实际,能干的管家太太又觉得俗气….这一类的问题想必你考虑过不止一次。
但我觉得最主要的还是本质的善良,天性的温厚,开阔的胸襟。
有了这三样,其他都可以逐渐培养,而且有了这三样,将来即使遇到大大小小的风波也不致变成悲剧。”


以前我们公司也有个女强人咨询顾问。她成为全公司升迁最快的经理之一时,男朋友博士还没毕业,一天工作经验都没有过。
女强人一天到晚谋划着和男友分手,可不知是太忙、还是不忍下手,整整预谋了两三年,全公司都知道了,她也没分成。
后来真有一天分手了,刚分手没多久,女强人父亲偏巧就心脏病突发。她得知消息的时候人在新疆出差,忧心如焚,边买机票边硬着头皮给前男友求助电话。本来已经做好准备被摔电话,结果对方只问了老头的情况后,就直奔医院。等她拖到第二天赶回北京的时候,一切都已料理停当。
后来他俩自然而然又复合了。同事们总以为这俩人性格、阅历、人生视野差那么远,早晚还得分,谁知俩人反而就结婚了。再后来上街偶遇过他们一次,俨然已是幸福的三口之家了。
女强人还是在全世界东奔西跑地做她的女强人,她老公博士毕业后继续在研究中心做他的研究论文,两个人的收入几乎相差10倍!
萧伯纳曾说过:
“想结婚的就去结婚,想单身的就维持单身,反正到最后你们都要后悔!”

华盛顿大学的一项研究也表明:对于那些最初都非常相爱的伴侣来说,最容易导致他们分手的并不是大的困难,而是生活的琐碎。
婚姻的失落和不满,往往来自于当我们满心欢喜的走进一段亲密关系,以为终于要开始享受更多的福利和权益时,对方却在期待你尽义务。

婚前你再怎么努力观察,对一个人的理解仍然是片面的,因为你们经历的在一起的时光,纵然有量的积累,但绝大部分仅仅是模式上的重复。
而婚姻却无时无刻不在制造出新冲突的源头和矛盾的触发点:
要不要买房?要不要办婚礼?怎么买?怎么生孩子?怎么养大?……
这些永远伴随着“我要不要和Ta离婚”“当初怎么瞎眼看上了他”“他怎么会变成现在这样”的念头——
不断萌生新的怨念,不断被自己强行吞咽,然后化解掉。
而每次化解这些念头的原因,可能微乎其微到不值得一提:
可能是对方道歉了、可能是对方一个贴心的举动,可能你自己人说服自己忍下去了,也可能是你在辗转反侧中突然想起了以前的时光。
——仅仅存在于你内心深处最珍惜的、关于他的一点点好。

毛姆说,感情有理智所根本不能理解的理由。
正因为如此,任何一个局外人,如果“理性”去分析判断别人婚姻家庭的时候,得出结论,往往会和家庭的真正走向南辕北辙。
任何一段婚姻中,夫妻双方都必须应对堆积如山的压力和琐碎,这些没有一刻不消磨和分散着曾经的共鸣和爱意。
身边不止一位长辈,教育自己的孩子:“如果你俩没有吵过架,就不要结婚!”
因为在他们看来,只有双方在“交恶”的时候,才是人性暴露最彻底的时候——最初的善意是否还能在幽暗中发光,才是决定一段婚姻是否仍能继续维系的关键。
每段婚姻到最后,其实考验的都是人性中最健全或忠厚的部分。两个人在不断的相处磨合中、不断的沟通拌嘴中,彼此加深了解、进一步成长。
那些真正能够一起过上很久的伴侣,或许并不比其他人更追求爱的宏大。
他们仅仅是在每个可能选择了转身分开的小瞬间里,最终选择了用善意和忠厚的一面去思考和对待。
大部分相携一生的人,他们的感情生涯想必也都多次穿越过幽深荒凉的隧道,全凭轨道上行驶的惯性、和内心深处的一点幽光吧。


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